The Game

When did my lines begin to show? When did the wear kick in. My skin, the smoothness, already leaving me. My face, the softness, gets harsher each morning. I see women, .... I'm beginning to look more like them. Mature, sophisticated. Slang for old, worn, well used. Trade in seems like such a practical idea. Do you want the sexy new model or the old reliable one? Even in my condition, I know what my choice would be. A close second. A good back up. A broken in version of you wish you could afford. It's not so bad now, but its getting there. Slowly inching along to something you and I both will no longer want. Dim the lights, angle this way, get my good side. Desperate attempts to disguise what is gradually becoming the truth.  A sad girl. I see a sad girl. One who is constantly watching everyone around her, hoping and molding herself into what she thinks she should be. A sad girl, never happy or content with what she has... or had. Slinking into the sidelines as she is to scared or embarrased to still stand out. How will she survive. How will she survive? She will turn to the thing that comforts and ages her the most. Quiet self destruction. Liquid determination and let down. Through those blurry eyes, her skin gets softer, the edges get smoother, the years get slightly smudged away. Viewing herself through her nightly skewed vision is what she lives off of. Living that pretend life where she is still glowing, Radiant! Oh how she once shined. These thoughts bring tears and smiles to her face. Eyes closed now, she cant even face herself. Its so much easier to fade back to those glory days. The radiant past. The times she only sparkled. The times she will cling to, pick from, and create the imagined destiny of all young girls. She can close out the roughed up exterior, the soft belly, the limp shoulders, the excess 'comfort' packing on her body.... She can shed it in this moment, when she forgets the now and makes up her own. Happily, living that life. Ever, youthful and elegant. After... after all, this is her vision.  

Oh yea, I remember that.

That feeling.... The feeling a girl has when the man she loves, adores and trusts in, wraps his arms tightly around her... when he pulls her close and she rests her head gently, and heavily on his chest. This moment, the feeling, that lets her know that THIS is it. She is safe and loved and cared for. She let's go. The one semblance of true emotion that you hardly ever find. And here it is. THE feeling.

I know that feeling. And it's mine :)

SC

So here we are. Me on the floor, you on the couch. 

I don't know what this is, or what it means, or if it even means anything. In my mind, in my head, in my heart and hopes, it means something. In my world, in my life... it probably does not. But its a stream of feelings. Its building and building inside me. I feel like exploding. I have my game face on. At least I'm trying. But I'm starting to think maybe my truth is showing. As I type this my heart is racing. Its beating hard and heavy. Its caused such a stir in me that my stomach its aching. It's actually aching. And swirling and flipping and anxious. 

Should I bite my tongue? Should I speak my heart? Is my mind playing tricks? I don't have an answer. I'm not completely sure of the question. But this is what I know. I thought I loved you before. I feel like I could love you again. It seems logical and improbable that we are a perfect match. I want to crawl over to you, on the couch, I want to curl around you. I want to remember and bask in our bodies wrapping perfectly around one another. I want to miss you. I want to long for you and I want you to curl your life around mine. I want to get tangled in each others imperfections and worries and struggles and hearts. I want something from you. This much I know. I want something from you, and for you, that spans beyond sweaty bodies rolling between the sheets. 

I need to hear your inner workings. I need to see your wheels turning. I need something from you. I am insatiable. The answers you have given me, that I thought I had to have, I got. And now I want more. I am insatiable. Why do I have this constant, urgent hunger for your affection? Why do I put so much over productive thought into it? The things I can't be sure of... the 'Do I want you?' the 'Does he want me?' .. the 'Is this right for either of us?'. It drives me to the borders of true insanity. How will I ever know these answers... You never speak. You only let out tiny pieces of the something I want.  And I'm too blinded with hope to even decipher these from black to white. 

So, here we are. Me on the floor, and you on the couch. And I'm numbing my hurt and sharpening my wit with each sip of wine. My self medication and therapy. Instead of knowing, or letting go, I ache. I ache to crawl to you and wrap my ache around you. 

Maybe it will wake you up. 

The 13027

I moved! That's the long and the short of it. It's wonderful. After a very eventful, or uneventful rather, summer, I finally got off my ass and made some changes. As of Sept. 1st, I am a happy resident of Radisson (Baldwinsville) New York! The girl's started at their new school, and love it  just as much as any 6 year old can love school. Neighborhood's great, kids everywhere. The girl's spend so much time off playing with friends, I sometimes forget I even have kids. Which upon this realization, also prompts me to realize that I may be a bad parent for forgetting that I have children. The location is money, the carpet is new, there's no creepy basement to flood, the toilet works, the bugs live outdoors and nothing smells funny.... except the trash that I forgot to put out two weeks in a row. All of the old complaints have been handled, only to be filled with new ones I'm sure. But at least here, in the land of wonderful new living, they have a team of experts called, Maintenance, to come wait on me hand at foot with just one phone call. Brilliant. Yep, the sun doesn't shine much brighter than this :) Oh, unless you add the cost of living, in a word, CHEAP! Holy shit, pull out your piggy bank and rolled change cheap! The sun just got a little brighter. 

Yes, after what seemed like an eternity of bad luck and general blah... I think I am experiencing a turn of events. I reminded myself that if you always do, what you always did, you always get what you always got. I am ready for something new, and I'm getting it! I haven't been as happy in the past 5 years as I have been in the past 3 weeks. Its amazing how much this one change has spilled over into other areas of my life and made changes for the better. Living with a fresh new attitude simply draws wonderful things! If ever I doubted how blessed I am, it has all been erased in the last 30 days. I am a very blessed girl. Family and friends. Spirit and fortune. Knowledge and health. Experience and adventure. I really have nothing to complain about. And even if I did, I wouldn't!

So how's that for happy.... I'm gonna go shit a rainbow now. 

Derby Name TBD

Everyone! I need your help! 

I still do not have a derby name... this has turned into one of the hardest decisions ever. I am too damn particular and all the names I want are taken! So I'm posting a list of potential names that myself and others have suggested and I'm asking that you let me know what name or names you like best. Please emaol any suggestions or ideas to me at Juice 24@mac.com.

Sincerely; No Derby Identity

Suzie Smash

Little Miss Bruizy

Little Miss Bruizes

Ada HitHer

Ida HitHer

Smashbox Suzy

The PinUp Punisher

Suzy Von Bruizy

Suzy Von Bruizes

Sin on the Rocks

Vanity Smash

Hits and Giggles

Sunshine & Pain

Head Casey

Suzy Smash

Gisele Punchin'

Sweetest Revenge

Cut N. Die

Rainbow Fright

Susie Smashup

Angel Deville

Totaled Package

Exhibit J

3 Beatings to the Wind

3 Beats to the Wind

Yea, thats me. 

:) We're back from vacation.... I survived a week of living in a hotel room with two 5 year olds, a 3 year old, a 1 year old and my mom and sister. I even enjoyed it. Got a tan, gained a few pounds, watched a street brawl, got crunk with my sis and was hit on by a married man named Jiggs. Overall, a very eventful and fulfilling trip.  I would love to share some stories with you, but you wouldn't find them funny. The only person who will laugh will be Nina. But my stories in a nutshell... Nina in a sombrero, people mistaking her and I as prostitutes, getting drunk in a corner by the coke machine, and Jiggsy looking for shark teeth in his underwear.... you had to be there. But you werent. Anyways, it was great fun. I have all the pictures from the trip posted on my web gallery.   http://gallery.mac.com/juice24

On another note... while on vacation I started a new book. 

   

The Game  By Neil Strauss. It was recomended to me by Issac, somewhat against his will i suspect, but he shared the wealth and told me about it anyway. I LOVE THIS BOOK! As soon as I finish it (which I'm so close to doing) I think I may open it back up and start over.

 I cant explain why I love it so much, or explain how it has affected my way of thinking. But the book is gold. Pure gold. Its definatley making my top ten list.